Dear my sweet boy,
I know that you are safe up in Heaven and will never ever suffer, not even a day. Mommy has been having some very hard days. Today I broke down and had to call your dad, your grandma and one of your special Aunt's to calm me down. The tears are swelling up again in my eyes, as I write this. I miss you more than anything, I miss you in my belly, I miss your heartbeat. I feel so empty and have nothing left of you inside me.
Mommy is so very sorry that she and daddy ended your short life, but mommy would rather suffer and cry the rest of her life than to have you suffer one day. You know I did this to save you...I saved your from hurting and suffering. I keep replaying everything in my head and I feel like I failed you. I cry everyday for you and long for you to be here with me.... I miss and love you more than anything.
I don't want anyone to ever forget you, even though you were a baby in utero, you were my world, my dreams, my hope and my love. You were my BABY. I will never let the world forget you and you know that mommy will never forget you. I know that you are safe up there with GOD and with all your family that has passed.
I wanted you to be here with me but I know that is not how it was meant to be. I'm so guilty and I feel like I failed you, even though I did this to save you. One of your very special cousins made mommy a bracelet with the colors of ribbons that represent who you are and I have it on now and it brings me comfort knowing that you are still with me.
I see little babies everywhere and I want them to be you, but that will never be and I know this. I have your footprints, which are the cutest little darn things ever, but my pain will never end.
I just want you to know how SORRY I am, how I hope that you have forgiven me and even thought I keep saying this, just know that I love you more than anything and you are my Angel baby.
I will write to you again very soon. I love you baby boy. Rest in peace, my dear sweet boy.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Why I'm writing....
I may not get around to what I want to write, right away. I have very deep, raw emotions and sometimes they become too much for me.
The reason I'm writing this is (short Version). ....I was pregnant with my very first child, whom we later come to find out was a boy. We named him Liam Daniel. I made it 20 WHOLE, AMAZING weeks with my little boy, before I had to let him go. He was very sick and had been since the beginning, we just didn't know it. He would later become diagnosed with Triploidy/Triploidy Syndrome. Open link to read a little bit about his condition. http://www.healthline.com/health/triploidy
We were told (and after many hours of research) that he would most likely not make it to birth and IF he did that he would not make it long after he was born. I was faced with the most difficult decision to make. I knew I would not let him suffer, not even one day, even if it meant I would suffer the rest of my life....
On January 2nd, 2014 I terminated my pregnancy. I am not ashamed of my decision. I/ We have had so much support. I've always been Pro-Life, but until you yourself are faced with a decision like this, it is not fair to judge (this could be a whole other topic, which I may visit in the future). We said Goodbye to our baby and have nothing left but a set of footprints, sonogram pictures, baptism record and broken hearts.
I want to write, I feel expressing my feelings are good, even though I bawl every time I do it. I'm writing because I want to bring awareness to these rare, yet common disorders, I want to people to know my Liam and see him through my eyes. My very first pregnancy has come and gone and my very first BABY had come and gone, but I want the world to know him and I want the world to know our story.
Most of my writings will be aimed towards Liam, but I may throw in a few blogs about other things, but I'm doing this for him, for us, for our families....
Hugs, prayers and Love <3 font="">
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