Crying Through The Pain

Liam,
Damn it, Ive been doing so well with you going to Heaven.  I have tried to control my emotions and not let them get to me until.....today.  I had training for work today and on the way home I somehow ended up driving past Magee Woman's Hospital.  The last place that I carried you in my belly, the place where I had to give you up, the place where you lay resting....FUCKKKKKK I'm so angry right now.  I haven't felt this way in a few weeks....and i'm more pissed that i'm so upset.  I love you more than anything and I know that I made the right choice, the choice to save you from pain, but it really fucking hurts, it hurts more than anything in this world....I needed you and wanted you, but that could not happen.  I'm angry for all the "what ifs" and I'm sad because I never got to meet you or watch you grow up, I'm fucking pissed because you are all I ever wanted and I couldn't have you.

I really really miss you Liam Daniel and people can wonder why or how, but until somebody is a parent that loses a child for any reason, they will not understand and as far as being your mommy, I was supposed to protect you and take care of you while you resided in my belly, but I couldn't and I didn't.

I will cry through the pain and I will continue to hold you in my heart for I never got to hold you in my arms, but that doesn't change my love for you, my everlasting love. <3 p="">

Grief and What it is doing to me!

(So far I have only wrote to Liam, but I also would like to write in general)

Grief...ohh the awful grief that comes with losing a child, not just losing a child but choosing to terminate your pregnancy for the sake of the baby's suffering.  This type of grief is awful and will consume you, it will eat you up and spit you out.  Along with this grief is families, friends, co-workers, and just about the whole world who not even coming close to understanding what you are feeling.  All they know is that you are a mom who was pregnant, isn't now and life goes on. WTF?!?!?! Yeah....  What they do see is your anger, your lashing out, the fumes in your heart, the madness, the never ending tears, but don't really understand why, they don't understand why you can't stand to be around people or get mad when someone isn't compassionate enough (guess what people suck at being compassionate, yes they DO!)  Let me tell you how this makes a mom to an Angel baby feel; it feels like total shit..shit...shit!  All my (our) dreams for the child we never got to meet are gone, all our hopes for the new child to be, went out the window the day the child died, motherhood has been robbed, sleepless nights won't happen for the reasons of a crying, hungry, or dirty diaper baby, but instead happen because the thoughts of the baby consume your mind at all hours; walking, talking, potty training, and new things will never be; pre-school will never come; school at all will never come. nor will any firsts.  All firsts have been shredded to pieces and will never be; fun days of playing will never happen and the child will never get to learn.  There is so much more that dies along with a baby when it passes away, the physical entity is not the only thing that disappears.  This is what an angel mom had to look forward to when she first found out she was pregnant; the love in her heart grew a million times what it was and then shortly thereafter it was ripped out of her.  Next time, you find out that someone has a lost pregnancy for any reason, do not judge, do not act like you know, do not pretend to understand, but instead REALLY think about what that person might be feeling and how you would feel if this happened to you because remember it's shit, total shit and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy because NOBODY deserves this kind of hurt....

Gone forever...

Liam,

......

I don't really know what I even feel anymore, I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do.....

I say this repeatedly and I will say it everyday, but I miss you, I miss you more than anything in this world...If love could have saved you...

I have been so adamant about keeping your memory alive that it almost makes me angry because people do not look at you the way I do, people do not love you like I do, people do not understand the emotions I feel.  Its very frustrating for me to get the same respect for you as somebody who spent time on earth, then passed away.  Why, why can't they see...why can't they understand?...

I do firmly believe, Seed, that you were given to me and taken back, so that I could tell the world your story and find my Faith.  I truly now believe that I cannot go forward with God.  He does not judge me for decision, but instead embraces me for my decision based around love.  I have become closer to God and tomorrow your daddy and I are joining the Church (Daddy is getting baptized too) I am so excited for this, we can move forward with that at least.  Also, tomorrow is your memorial.  I want and needed to do this for you, for me, for us. But let me tell you a little secret, it hurts more than I've hurt before.  It means this is final, yes it's been final since January 2, but this really means you are gone and you are never coming back.  My baby boy is gone forever..... you are gone forever, but forever in my heart <3 div="" nbsp="">

I love you always,

mommy

Thinking of you

Hi baby boy,

I haven't wrote to you in a while, but that definitely does not mean that I have not been thinking of you every single day of my life. I miss you more than ever sweet baby of mine.  I have been second guessing my decision that I made because I keep thinking what if they were wrong, what if you would have lived, but like your daddy said to me, we did make the right decision.

I want to tell you about the Memorial we are planning for you memory at the Church.  I'm very excited about it.  I know you will be there in spirit and shining your love on all of us who are there.  You know mommy is a very sensitive person, so I hope that everyone can come, but I know that everybody won't and maybe people look at you as something not lost, we guess what world, my son, Liam, even though he never took a breath here on earth, is and was something lost!!! There how do you like me now?!?! LOL.

I will forever think about you and keep wishing that I could have kept you.

I always have so much on my mind..so much to say, yet when I sit down to write, I can't think.

I want people to know your story..our story so Im trying really hard to spread the word about Terminating for Medical Reasons (TFMR) and getting my blog out there.  Why? I betchya people think I'm crazy, well guess what, Don't CARE. Ha.  You are my first child and so be it if your in Heaven, this momma RIGHT HERE will not let anyone forget.  I wish there was more I could do.  I need to search for charities and then maybe ask people to donate to the charity, hmm wonder if anybody would?

I miss you Liam Daniel and hope that you are resting comfortably.  Love you with all that I am.

Am I going crazy?

Liam,
It has been 10 days since you left me, since the whole in my heart appeared, since I have cried everyday and mourn for you.  I will always tell you that I love you and miss you.  Maybe I can get through this letter without crying, just maybe.  I felt strong today when I woke up, but physically not so well.  I know that I have to keep moving forward, grandma tells me this and so does your daddy.  I want to and I know that I will, but it's hard.  I feel as though if I move on that you will be forgotten and I'll be damned if your are going to be forgotten, so I'm in this very confused, heartbroken stage, different than before, b/c I have so many thoughts as to what I am supposed to be doing.  I met a really nice RN today, ( I believe you sent her to me for many reasons) Thanks you. :) She has gone through something similar and it was nice to know that I wasn't alone today.....

I wish I could just talk to you or you would give me a sign that you are okay.  I guess I am talking to you and maybe people will think I'm crazy for writing letters to my baby that died.  Do I care? No, you know why, maybe I am crazy but who wouldn't go slightly mad after losing a child.  It will make me stronger in time and I will forever be indebted to you and bring awareness to what you had.  I will not hide my decision, nor will I ever lie about the choices I made and why.  I saved you from hell, now If i could only save myself from all the bullshit that I feel then maybe I'd be ok.

I have a favor to ask of you baby boy.  Your daddy is having a hard time grieving and it has brought some tension between us. So my favor is could you please find a way to show him that it's okay to grieve and that it's okay to talk to someone if need be.  Don't worry I'm a strong pusher when it comes to your father (yeah he gets pissed), but I love him so much and worry about him everyday.  Speaking of your dad I'm sorry that you will never get to meet him, he is so amazing and I'm pretty sure that I knew that I would date him and or marry him from the beginning.  Our life is hard or should I say not always easy, but he is a great, GREAT man.  He's a wonderful father to your sister, and I know he would have been an awesome father to you. He's been through hell and back and I wanted to give him a son, a bright red haired, big eared son, just like him....So please watch over him and let him know that it's ok....  Having you and what we have gone through sucks, but it's okay and we will get through it.  Just know that me, daddy and the rest of your family LOVE you so much.  Remember that and remember that you are in Heaven for a reason.  Maybe I should tell myself this. :/ Your mommy (me) is great at giving advice, but not taking it :)

Here's until next time I write to you (I always think about you, all the time)

Love, mommy <3 p="">

My Dearest Liam

Dear my sweet boy,

I know that you are safe up in Heaven and will never ever suffer, not even a day.  Mommy has been having some very hard days.  Today I broke down and had to call your dad, your grandma and one of your special Aunt's to calm me down.  The tears are swelling up again in my eyes, as I write this.  I miss you more than anything, I miss you in my belly, I miss your heartbeat.  I feel so empty and have nothing left of you inside me.

Mommy is so very sorry that she and daddy ended your short life, but mommy would rather suffer and cry the rest of her life than to have you suffer one day.  You know I did this to save you...I saved your from hurting and suffering.  I keep replaying everything in my head and I feel like I failed you.  I cry everyday for you and long for you to be here with me.... I miss and love you more than anything.

I don't want anyone to ever forget you, even though you were a baby in utero, you were my world, my dreams, my hope and my love.  You were my BABY.  I will never let the world forget you and you know that mommy will never forget you. I know that you are safe up there with GOD and with all your family that has passed.

I wanted you to be here with me but I know that is not how it was meant to be.  I'm so guilty and I feel like I failed you, even though I did this to save you.  One of your very special cousins made mommy a bracelet with the colors of ribbons that represent who you are and I have it on now and it brings me comfort knowing that you are still with me.

I see little babies everywhere and I want them to be you, but that will never be and I know this.  I have your footprints, which are the cutest little darn things ever, but my pain will never end.

I just want you to know how SORRY I am, how I hope that you have forgiven me and even thought I keep saying this, just know that I love you more than anything and you are my Angel baby.

I will write to you again very soon.  I love you baby boy.  Rest in peace, my dear sweet boy.

Why I'm writing....

I may not get around to what I want to write, right away.  I have very deep, raw emotions and sometimes they become too much for me.  

The reason I'm writing this is (short Version). ....I was pregnant with my very first child, whom we later come to find out was a boy.  We named him Liam Daniel.  I made it 20 WHOLE, AMAZING weeks with my little boy, before I had to let him go.  He was very sick and had been since the beginning, we just didn't know it.  He would later become diagnosed with Triploidy/Triploidy Syndrome.  Open link to read a little bit about his condition. http://www.healthline.com/health/triploidy

We were told (and after many hours of research) that he would most likely not make it to birth and IF he did that he would not make it long after he was born.  I was faced with the most difficult decision to make.  I knew I would not let him suffer, not even one day, even if it meant I would suffer the rest of my life....

On January 2nd, 2014 I terminated my pregnancy.  I am not ashamed of my decision.  I/ We have had so much support.  I've always been Pro-Life, but until you yourself are faced with a decision like this, it is not fair to judge (this could be a whole other topic, which I may visit in the future).  We said Goodbye to our baby and have nothing left but a set of footprints, sonogram pictures, baptism record and broken hearts.  

I want to write, I feel expressing my feelings are good, even though I bawl every time I do it.  I'm writing because  I want to bring awareness to these rare, yet common disorders, I want to people to know my Liam and see him through my eyes.  My very first pregnancy has come and gone and my very first BABY had come and gone, but I want the world to know him and I want the world to know our story.  

Most of my writings will be aimed towards Liam, but I may throw in a few blogs about other things, but I'm doing this for him, for us, for our families....

Hugs, prayers and Love <3 font="">