Am I going crazy?

Liam,
It has been 10 days since you left me, since the whole in my heart appeared, since I have cried everyday and mourn for you.  I will always tell you that I love you and miss you.  Maybe I can get through this letter without crying, just maybe.  I felt strong today when I woke up, but physically not so well.  I know that I have to keep moving forward, grandma tells me this and so does your daddy.  I want to and I know that I will, but it's hard.  I feel as though if I move on that you will be forgotten and I'll be damned if your are going to be forgotten, so I'm in this very confused, heartbroken stage, different than before, b/c I have so many thoughts as to what I am supposed to be doing.  I met a really nice RN today, ( I believe you sent her to me for many reasons) Thanks you. :) She has gone through something similar and it was nice to know that I wasn't alone today.....

I wish I could just talk to you or you would give me a sign that you are okay.  I guess I am talking to you and maybe people will think I'm crazy for writing letters to my baby that died.  Do I care? No, you know why, maybe I am crazy but who wouldn't go slightly mad after losing a child.  It will make me stronger in time and I will forever be indebted to you and bring awareness to what you had.  I will not hide my decision, nor will I ever lie about the choices I made and why.  I saved you from hell, now If i could only save myself from all the bullshit that I feel then maybe I'd be ok.

I have a favor to ask of you baby boy.  Your daddy is having a hard time grieving and it has brought some tension between us. So my favor is could you please find a way to show him that it's okay to grieve and that it's okay to talk to someone if need be.  Don't worry I'm a strong pusher when it comes to your father (yeah he gets pissed), but I love him so much and worry about him everyday.  Speaking of your dad I'm sorry that you will never get to meet him, he is so amazing and I'm pretty sure that I knew that I would date him and or marry him from the beginning.  Our life is hard or should I say not always easy, but he is a great, GREAT man.  He's a wonderful father to your sister, and I know he would have been an awesome father to you. He's been through hell and back and I wanted to give him a son, a bright red haired, big eared son, just like him....So please watch over him and let him know that it's ok....  Having you and what we have gone through sucks, but it's okay and we will get through it.  Just know that me, daddy and the rest of your family LOVE you so much.  Remember that and remember that you are in Heaven for a reason.  Maybe I should tell myself this. :/ Your mommy (me) is great at giving advice, but not taking it :)

Here's until next time I write to you (I always think about you, all the time)

Love, mommy <3 p="">